"Penny Marshall & Cindy Williams" book, introduction

My copy is in better shape than this but worn.

This 1977 book was sort of the inspiration for this blog.  Originally sold for $1.25 and falling into my hands for free (while selling online for $10 or more), I knew it wouldn't contain anything too shocking, but it was comfort reading months after Penny Marshall's death.  And it made me decide to buy the series on DVD and blog about it.  It seems a good time to revisit the book, a chapter at a time, but first a little more background.

The cover says, "BEHIND THE SCENES OF TV'S MOST POPULAR SERIES," which suggests it's a more general approach to the show.  But the "girls" are in the title, and the cover promises "AN INTIMATE LOOK AT THEIR LIFE STORIES AND THE FAMOUS MEN WHO LOVE THEM!"  Click-bait in print form.

The back cover mentions Penny "marrying the boy across-the-street," while "Cindy, on the other hand,...is more of a free spirit and doesn't think she'll ever marry."  Again, we are promised "an exciting, intimate portrayal of two young actresses -- their lives, their loves, their hopes and dreams."  The book is 154 pages, so how intimate could it be?

The cover photo is interesting, comical and yet almost romantic, as the girls look like they're dancing, their expressions (Cindy's especially) mischievous.  Unlike the black-and-white photos inside, they are not in their own modern clothes but in the costumes of their characters, Laverne's L on a recognizable blouse, Shirley in pearls, their hairstyles '50s.

There is no author information here about Connie Berman, although a Google search shows she also wrote about Dolly Parton, Shaun Cassidy, and other celebrities.

"The Great TV Sitcom Book"

This is the 1983 edition, although Rick Mitz doesn't seem to have updated from the '80 version.  He devotes six pages to the show, much of it on the "Mortician" episode.  There's not much here that you probably haven't seen elsewhere, but this part is thought-provoking, especially since I have no idea of the source.

"Here's what Lenny and Squiggy had to say about each other:

"Squiggy on Lenny: 'When you've known a person as long as I've known Leonard Kolowski [sic!], you can easily describe him as being a guy whose weight is one hundred fifty-five pounds, about six feet tall, and also has kind of sandy beige hair.  When we first met we was having a fistfight in the schoolyard.  I guess it was fate or something, but we've stayed together for the rest of our lives (so far).  If I had to put Lenny on kind of a macho scale from one to a hundred, I'd probably give him an eighty-three.  I'd probably be a ninety-four, but that's what makes us different.  His favorite drink is beer.  And he's great at making funny noises with this skin.  He's got many interests but spends most of his time at his hobby.'

"Lenny on Squiggy: 'Squiggy was born in either Newark, New Jersey, or Flushing, New York.  His ma is okay, but strict, which is why Squig has earaches.  Him and his old lady moved to Milwaukee to be with some Germans, and that's where he met me.  We got to be best friends before you know it.  We grew up a lot together and got a job driving a truck together.  He's a short guy with strawberry-black hair and pink skin.  He's cute-looking to girls, or at least he can usually scrape up something on a Saturday night.  He always wanted to go to Canada and he once pushed my sister in a hole.' "

Excerpts from "Here Today, Hair Tomorrow"

OK, this is the last of the scripts currently available on eBay, and it looks like the main notable thing here is that the two Laverne scenes were "previously shot."  The preview is mostly Frank and Rhonda, not that exciting to be honest.

Excerpts from the "Of Mice and Men" script

OMG, it's a reworked Larry Breeding script!!!

It's dated September 27, 1982, and Larry Breeding died on October 1st!  The episode aired on December 7th (coincidentally the date of the "Monastery" script I purchased).  So sometime in the intervening two months, poor Jim Belushi was thrown into the mix and poor Penny had to play the part of reassuring "Wheezer" rather than Mike.

Scene A is set in a French cafe, a "French French restaurant," whatever that means.  On p. 2, Mike, Laverne, Carmine, and Rhonda enter!  Insane alternative-dimension script, I must possess you now!

Cough, sorry.  OK, so no Suzi.  Not that we learned much about her, but still.  Is Carmonda a thing?  What would Shirley say?

When Carmine wants to order fried chicken, Rhonda says, "Carmine, be adventurous...Try something new."  The excerpt doesn't show what he orders, or even if he responds with innuendo.  (Can you imagine Squiggy reacting to such a line?)

We jump ahead to p. 23, where Frank is describing a guy named Lewis.  This seems to be set at Cowboy Bill's.

We jump ahead to p. 43, the tag, for "Lost in Spacesuits"?!?  What in the name of interrobang is this madness???

Is this worth $140?  Mmmaaayyybbbeee?  I don't expect it to be the shitstorm of "Monastery," but I'm really curious about how they reworked it.

Excerpts from the "Window on Main Street" script

In Scene A, Mr. Hildebrand shows the girls the window display and explains their assignment.  Yes, Laverne flirting with Mike is included.

Jumping ahead to p. 26, Laverne flirts with Mike some more and the girls turn into chickens.

On p. 32, it's Scene E and the girls are filling out unemployment forms.  The phone rings and Shirley finds out the rabbit died.  The girls "SILENTLY SHARE THE GOOD NEWS."  (Ha!)  That's the end of Act Two and there's no tag shown this time.

Since the backstage drama was more interesting, there's not all that much to say about the script, other than they were really trying to harness the Marshall/Breeding chemistry early on.

Excerpts from the "Star Peepers" script

Also, currently on sale for $140, but I'm getting the feeling that none of these are going to have the big surprises of "Monastery."

Scene A opens with an angry Shirley wrapping a Bardwell's package for a "non-speaking sweet little old lady."  The excerpt ends right before the entrance of Johnny Velvet.

Act Two, Scene "CC," p. 21, the girls enter Johnny's dressing room.

We jump ahead to p. 33 (Scene E), where the girls are talking to Tidmore, who's planning to slander the bodyguard.

Then it's p. 41, presumably the Tag, where Rhonda is reading The Peeper, and it ends on a Hanger Sisters joke.

Again, nothing tempting enough to buy.

Excerpts from the "Life Is the Tar Pits" script

Again, tempting on sale for $140....

Scene A at the La Brea Tar Pits, first Lenny & Squiggy, and then we and Lenny meet Karen Caldwell.  The guy who hits on her is described as "a somewhat gaudy looking chap," snorfle!    And, yes, Lenny sends the man to 113 1/2 Laurel Vista to ask for Laverne.  Because Laverne is all about the gaudy-looking chaps, amirite?

We jump to p. 12, where Lenny is making Karen laugh and asking her to the girls' party.

Then the boys fight on p. 24.

The boys are still stuck in tar when the tag starts, but they struggle out and decide to feather themselves and go to a fancy restaurant, because why not?  "EXTRAS STARE" is the last stage direction.

Again, nothing too surprising in the excerpts, although at 41 pages, something must've been left out for filming.  (I don't recall the tag, but I could be wrong.)

Excerpts from the "Fifth Anniversary" script

Moving on to Season Six, let's see if the timeline continuity errors come up in the preview at eBay....

In Scene A, Shirley is making health food for Laverne, whose body has been craving Paul Newman for years.  Then Edna shows up and Shirley ends up hiding in the closet with the anniversary present.

We skip right over to the tag, where Fredna are very lovey-dovey until his fancrones show up and Edna has to protect Frank.

I'd rather see more about Lavenny rolling around in the trailer, but oh well.

Excerpts from the "You Oughta Be in Pictures" script

OK, this is currently selling for $140 (marked down from $200), and I'm more tempted than I am by most of the other scripts on offer at eBay, but let's take a look at what the excerpts are like.

In Scene A, Lenny and the girls enter in fatigues.  He is "weighed down with three duffel bags," Lenny as his usual pack-mule.  The "bosom buddies" line and the girls undressing after they think Lenny is gone are there, as in the filmed episodes.  Also, the "nice body, Len" line and Laverne expecting to stay up all night thinking about his underwear are indeed both there in the script.

Then we jump to p. 23, the shooting of the Army training film.  It is as I recall in the episode.

We get part of the tag, from pp. 33-34, with the boys reporting on their viewing of "the World Premiere of This Can Happen to You."

There might've been individual lines omitted, but I don't think any major scenes like in "Monastery Story."  I'd still be interested in seeing the script, but not at that price.

Excerpts from the "Not Quite South of the Border" script

This was never a favorite episode of mine, so I don't remember much about it.  I feel like Fredna having a pillow fight and kissing in the opening scene, only to be walked in on by the girls (whose apartment this is happening in) was in the episode, maybe not with that exact dialogue, but close enough.

The eBay previews then jump to p. 18, the wading pool scene.  Then it's p. 25, with the girls claiming the hotel bed and then the storm hitting.  And then the tag, p. 33, with Lenny and Squiggy emerging from the "suitcases."  (I think a trunk in the filmed episode.)  I'm amused that when Lenny & Squiggy exclaim, "What a vacation!", the stage direction is "THE GIRLS REACT."  How vague can you get?

Anyway, not something I'd pay $200 for, but a serious collector, or a bigger fan of the episode, might.

Revised Shooting Script of "The Monastery Show," Act Two, Scene L

Scene L is the tag in the script, pp. 37-39, and I'll save my comments to the end:

INT. APARTMENT - DAY

LAVERNE AND CARMINE ENTER THE APARTMENT.  CARMINE IS CARRYING LAVERNE'S SUITCASE.

LAVERNE

I tell you, Carmine, those two weeks in the convent were wonderful.  It feels so good to finally be in a State of Grace.

CARMINE

You want me to take a picture so it lasts?

LAVERNE

Don't worry, it'll last.  I got a lot out of that place.  From now on, as long as I watch myself, I'm going straight to Heaven.

CARMINE

You??  That must have been some incredible place.  

LAVERNE

It sure was and I brought you a little present from it.

LAVERNE REACHES INTO HER BAG AND PULLS OUT A BADLY MISSHAPEN PIECE OF POTTERY.  SHE HANDS IT TO CARMINE.

LAVERNE (CONT'D)

I made it myself.

CARMINE TURNS THE POT OVER AND READS THE BOTTOM.

CARMINE

Hushware...Hmmm...I can see why they would want to keep it quiet.  But I like it.  Thanks.

AS HE GOES TO HUG LAVERNE, HE NOTICES SOMETHING ELSE IN HER BAG AND BREAKS THE HUG.  HE GOES FOR THE BAG.

CARMINE (CONT'D)

Whoa, hey, Laverne...

LAVERNE 

(TRYING TO BLOCK HIM) There's nothing in there...

CARMINE PULLS FROM THE BAG A TOWEL WITH THE INSCRIPTION "ST. ANDREW THE DEVINE"

CARMINE

Is this what you meant by "you got a lot out of the place"?

HE TOSSES THE TOWEL AND STARTS TO EXIT.  LAVERNE FOLLOWS HIM.

LAVERNE

C'mon, Carmine, lighten up.  Everybody takes towels.

CARMINE TURNS AT THE DOOR.

CARMINE

Julie Andrews wouldn't take towels.

HE EXITS.  LAVERNE CALLS OUT AFTER HIM.

LAVERNE

Well, what could I do?  They didn't have any ashtrays.

AS WE:

 FADE OUT

THE END

So I guess this is meant to give us closure, since he knew she was going to a convent for a couple weeks, although not necessarily why.  Them coming in together, and him carrying her suitcase, suggests that he picked her up at the convent, or at least the bus station near Burbank.

Laverne is happy to be in "a State of Grace," so I guess we're meant to feel she's repented of her "misbehavior" on the aircraft carrier.  Carmine teases her about her state, and it's still unclear what he knows about what she's been through in the past two weeks.  He also teases her about her bad pottery, which might've been a cute moment on a different episode.

He somehow sees into her suitcase well enough to identify a stolen towel.  Was "Devine" visible or something?  The Julie Andrews reference is a callback to Scene C.

If I were Carmine, I would assume that Laverne was repenting stealing property from the U.S.S. Hackbush, and it is like the writers have switched "sins" on us.  They couldn't face the issues of sex and consent they brought up and so they tried to show us that Laverne remains a lovable "sinner" who at least might now "watch herself" around sailors.  Or not.  Who knows what the message was supposed to be of this Not So Very Special Episode?

Back when Laverne had a support system

Revised Shooting Script of "The Monastery Show," Act Two, Scene K

Although the previous scene was "Day," it's now "Night" in the Common Room.  When this was filmed, this scene became the tag, but Laverne was still in the purple outfit.

P. 33 is very close to what was filmed, although they added the line that Laverne is waiting for the bus to go home.  On p. 34, she refers to "last week with the boat business," which gives us a little sense of how much time has passed, while in the episode it's "the other night with the boat business."  In the episode, they added her saying that some people need a couple of chances before they get it right.  Pp. 35-36 were essentially unchanged.

But the script did not end on the nuns practicing football....

Revised Shooting Script of "The Monastery Show," Act Two, Scene J

There is no Scene I.  It is again "Day" in the Common Room, presumably the next day.  Except in the scene as shot, it seems to be evening or even night.

In the episode as aired, we do get Laverne apologizing for making Sister Margaret drool, and it looks like that was not a Lasser ad-lib earlier.   (Maybe someone actually paid attention to continuity for a moment?)  Here's the context in the script, most of which didn't make it in:

LAVERNE

Listen, Sister Margaret...I'm sorry.  I drove you crazy and made you drool.  No one likes a drooling nun.

SISTER MARGARET

It's alright.  I always drool.

LAVERNE

(WIPING SISTER MARGARET'S CHIN)

Yeah, you got a little on you now.

The dialogue on p. 30 mostly made it in, although "rubber" was omitted from "I got you locked in a rubber chapel."  In case you're curious, the spotlight part is in there.  More omitted dialogue, from p. 31:

SISTER MARGARET (CONT'D)

Feel it now?

LAVERNE

A little.  I think it's pressing in my side.

SISTER MARGARET

Those are the pickles.

On p. 32, Margaret calling Laverne "you sweet thing" was left out.

Revised Shooting Script of "The Monastery Show," Act Two, Scene H

I can't imagine what Scenes F and G would've been, since this is "Belfry - Evening," switching back and forth to the Pottery Room.  This scene is pretty much what you see onscreen, except with the additions of the bells specifically playing "Frere Jacques" and Sister Margaret's line "Look at me, I'm drooling!", which might've been Louise Lasser's ad-lib.  And the omission of this, from p. 27:

MOTHER SUPERIOR

Take it easy.  I'll go deal with Laverne, but first I better put you in the rubber chapel.  C'mon, you'll have a good time.  You'll have cloister cookies, your friends will visit you...

SISTER MARGARET

Don't take me to the rubber chapel.  What is the rubber chapel?

MOTHER SUPERIOR EXITS WITH MARGARET STILL RANTING AND PROTESTING.

I'm more curious about the "cloister cookies."