"Dear Future Model," Scene A

On October 18, 1976, a day before "Bachelor Mothers" aired, the Shooting Script for "Dear Future Model" came in, giving them about five weeks until it would air. There aren't dramatic changes compared to a script like "Porcupine," but as always with shooting scripts, there are changes, including in the opening scene.

We start in the "Pizza Bowl - late afternoon."  The exposition between Lenny and Squiggy was added.  Here's how it starts off in the script:

MONIKA, A BEAUTIFUL YOUNG MODEL IN ULTRA-SEXY BOWLING COSTUME, ENTERS FROM THE BOWLING ALLEY SURROUNDED BY GUYS AND FOLLOWING A PHOTOGRAPHER.  EVERY GUY IN THE PLACE IS HUNGRILY STARING AT HER.  FRANK IS NEARBY.

PHOTOGRAPHER

Let's get some shots in here.

FRANK

Good.  Get a shot of her with the ovens, will ya?

THEY IGNORE HIM.

FRANK (CONT'D)

Look, they use my place, they don't shoot the ovens.

LENNY AND SQUIGGY ENTER.

This is what was dropped after the photographer tells Monika he needs some outside shots.

MONIKA

Sure, Timmy.  I'm all yours.  Use me as you will.

ALL THE MEN MOAN IN ESCSTASY.  LENNY AND SQUIGGY ARE BESIDE THEMSELVES.

SQUIGGY

(FOLLOWING, GRABS PINS) Can I hold your pins?

MONIKA FOLLOWS THE PHOTOGRAPHER OUTSIDE.  SHE'S FOLLOWED BY ALL THE MEN.

LAVERNE AND SHIRLEY ARE LEFT ALONE.  LAVERNE IS WRESTLING WITH THE ZIPPER AGAIN.

LAVERNE

Did you see that?!  It was like we weren't here.

SHIRLEY

(SARCASTIC) That's because we're not Miss Pinhead.

LAVERNE

Headpin.

SHIRLEY

Same difference.  Why don't you sit down over there?

THEY ADLIB AND SIT.

LAVERNE

Why don't men ever look at us that way?

SHIRLEY

Two reasons.

SHIRLEY PAUSES.  LAVERNE THINKS.

SHIRLEY (CONT'D)

Style and elegance.

LAVERNE

Oh, you mean fancy clothes and makeup?

SHIRLEY

That's right.  If you wanna get attention like that you gotta invest fifteen bucks.

LAVERNE

I'm not gonna pay guys to look at me.

SHIRLEY

No.  Did you see the back cover of this month's True Confessions?

LAVERNE

Huh-uh.  So far I'm only up to, "I Had My Mother's Baby"...

SHIRLEY

Oh, that's a beautiful story, isn't it?  When she goes...

LAVERNE

Don't tell me the ending.

SHIRLEY

Anyway, the back cover is an ad for Mark Boynton's Famous Academy of American Modeling.

LAVERNE

Probably some kind of racket.

SHIRLEY

Boy, that's typical.  Everything's a racket to you.  This is a great course.  Modeling by mail.

LAVERNE

(DOUBTFUL) Fifteen bucks...

SHIRLEY
We'll split it, seven-fifty each.

SHIRLEY STANDS UP SUDDENLY AND THE BOWLING BALL IN THE BAG PULLS HER TO THE FLOOR.  LAVERNE MOVES TO HELP HER FAST.  AS THEY DO THIS, THE MODEL REENTERS WITH THE ENTIRE CROWD, STILL IGNORING THE TWO GIRLS.

PHOTOGRAPHER

Let's get a few more shots in the bowling alley.  Sitting on the ball return.

MONIKA

I'm running into overtime.  Next hour will cost you sixty bucks.

THE ENTOURAGE EXITS.  SHIRLEY STRUGGLES BACK ON HER SEAT WITH BAG AND BALL.

LAVERNE

Did you hear that?  She's going to make more money in an hour than we made last week.

SHIRLEY

I heard.

LAVERNE

Just for sitting on the ball return and I've sat on it a thousand times.

SHIRLEY

Well then, come on, let's go fill out the application.

THEY GATHER THEIR THINGS AND START OUT.

LAVERNE    

Okay, but I don't cut up the whole magazine.  [I think the word "I" there is unnecessary.]  I still haven't read "My Husband Left Me For A Fish..."

SHIRLEY
Oh, it was so sad when he went off on a tuna boat.

LAVERNE

You gave away the ending.

THEY EXIT.

Onscreen, they just kept the bit about Monika making $60/hour, and then some of the modeling ad stuff was moved to a separate scene in the girls' apartment, later that evening.

Thoughts:

• As in "Excuse Me May I Cut In?", male lust is a lot more obvious in the script.
• Frank didn't make into this scene onscreen, but then he's not in the scene much in the script.
• I like the "Miss Pinhead" line, although I probably shouldn't.
• There's a bit of "dumb Laverne" in this script, as in some of the other Season Two scripts.
• Oh my goodness, the True Confessions stories!  Sadly, neither of those made it to air.
• Do I want to know why Laverne has sat on the ball return a thousand times?