"A Nun's Story," Scene 3

INT. DE FAZIO LIVING ROOM - FLASHBACK

ANNE MARIE, AN ATTRACTIVE GIRL, IS IN THE LIVING ROOM WITH LAVERNE AND SHIRLEY.  THEY ARE ALL DRESSED IN NIGHTIES.  LAVERNE IS LOOKING THROUGH A RECORD COLLECTION, SHIRLEY IS THUMBING THROUGH A TRUE ROMANCE MAGAZINE, AND ANNE MARIE IS TALKING.

ANNE MARIE

What time does your father go to bed, Laverne?

LAVERNE

(ACTING IT OUT) Same time every night.  In a few minutes he'll come in from the Pizza Bowl.  He'll get a beer out of the icebox and shuffle over to the couch, turning on the TV.  After the news he'll go to bed complaining that his stomach hurts from too much beer.

ANNE MARIE

Good.  As soon as he's asleep, we'll go try to check in at the YMCA.

LAVERNE

You're wild, Anne Marie.

Onscreen, AM would show her wildness through a smoking lesson.  This gives a reason for Shirley to pull back the curtain to reveal Hector, Lenny, and Squiggy, while in the script they just appear.  Onscreen, Shirley screams and tries to cover herself with the curtain, while in the script it's a blasé, "Oh, look who's here."

Onscreen, Squiggy says they should wait until the girls are naked before they take more pictures, while in the script Lenny tells Shirley, "We thought we'd take some 'nature' pictures for biology."  The lines about Life magazine were added.

Then again, Lenny and Squiggy run off pretty quickly in the filmed episode, while here's what we lost from the script:

ANNE MARIE

Oh, boys.

SQUIGGY

Gimme a little cheesecake, Anne Marie.

ANNE MARIE

You want pictures?  Or you want to come in here and let us give you a party you'll never forget?

A LONG BEAT, THEN.

SQUIGGY

I kinda like pictures.

ANNE MARIE

This will be better than pictures.

SQUIGGY

(TO LENNY) What's better than pictures?

LENNY

I don't know.  TV?

ANNE MARIE

If you two boys are going to argue, we're just inviting Hector in here.

HECTOR 

I'll be right in.

HECTOR RUNS TOWARD THE FRONT DOOR.

ANNE MARIE

(TO LENNY AND SQUIGGY) Goodbye, boys.

LENNY

(TO SQUIGGY) Boy, you really squandered an opportunity.

SQUIGGY

I was happy with pictures.

LENNY

But he took the camera.  Now we don't even get pictures.

SQUIGGY

(PHILOSOPHICAL) There'll be other times.

THEY LEAVE.

This of course got modified to AM talking directly to Hector.  In the script, it's AM who tells Shirley to look sexy, and Shirley unquestioningly "strikes a sexy pose on the couch."  Onscreen, Laverne has to talk her into it, since Shirley says she's "not allowed."  And so the "kicked out of the Brownies" line happened sometime after this Pre-Production Draft.

After Hector arrives, "Anne Marie goes over to him and starts to kiss him.  As he leans toward her, she slips past him and moves over to the couch and sits.  Hector follows."  In the script, he says they all look nice tonight, which in the filmed version became a compliment on their pajamas.

Then "Anne Marie pulls him down on the couch between her and Shirley.  Anne Marie takes his camera and puts it on the table beside the couch.  Then she and Shirley huddle up against him."  In the script, it's AM, not Laverne, who says that they want to show a he-man a good time.  Then she "runs her fingers through his hair."

Shirley offers Hector a good time in both versions, but onscreen he says, "As long as it don't hurt," while in the script he says, "Let the good times roll!" and then "gives a leering laugh."

In the script, it's AM, rather than Laverne, who snuggles up to Hector and says she's always admired him from afar, although in both versions it's AM who asks if three is too much for him.  Shirley in the script worriedly asks, "The three of us?"

ANNE MARIE GIVES HIM A BIG KISS.  AS SHE KISSES HIM, SHE LOOKS OVER HER SHOULDER TO LAVERNE.  LAVERNE MOTIONS THAT HER FATHER IS COMING.  ANNE MARIE QUICKLY BREAKS THE KISS.

ANNE MARIE

It's not right.

HECTOR

(OUT OF BREATH) I thought it was pretty good.

ANNE MARIE

Get in the closet.

HECTOR

Huh?

ANNE MARIE STARTS PULLING HIM ACROSS THE ROOM TO THE CLOSET.

ANNE MARIE

You're not exactly dressed for the occasion.  If you know what I mean.

HECTOR LOOKS AROUND AT THE GIRLS AND GIVES A LEERING LAUGH.

HECTOR

Yeah, I know what you mean.

ANNE MARIE

If we're gonna show you a real good time, we should do it right.

SHIRLEY

(SNUGGLING UP BESIDE HIM) Yeah...  I'll put on some soft music.

LAVERNE

I'll turn the lights down low.

HECTOR

Not too low. I'm afraid of the dark.

Hector having to get ready in the closet and count to one hundred is in both versions, but in the script, "Laverne opens the door and Shirley and Anne Marie shove him in."

Onscreen, Laverne plans to plaster Hector's picture all over school, but in the script she wonders, "What now?  Even Hector can count to a hundred."

Frank coming home is obviously less of a surprise in the script, and of course the girls don't have to hide the signs of smoking. 

HE SHUFFLES TO THE REFRIGERATOR AND TAKES OUT A BEER.  HE STARTS BACK TO THE COUCH, TURNING ON THE TELEVISION SET AS HE GOES.  HE PLOPS DOWN ON THE COUCH AND STARES AT THE BLANK TV SCREEN.  ANNE MARIE PICKS UP THE CAMERA AND AIMS TOWARD THE CLOSET.

FRANK

(IGNORING HER) Someday they'll make TV's so you don't have to wait a month for 'em to come on.

HECTOR (O.S.)

(MUFFLED) Ninety-two... ninety-three... ninety-four... etc.

FRANK

There's the little white dot.  It'll be on in a couple of minutes.

AT THAT MOMENT HECTOR SPRINGS OUT OF THE CLOSET IN HIS UNDERSHORTS.

HECTOR

Let the good times roll!

FRANK REACTS... SO DOES HECTOR.  ANNE MARIE SNAPS THE PICTURE AND AS THE FLASH GOES OFF:

ANNE MARIE

Help, police!

LAVERNE AND SHIRLEY BEGIN YELLING FOR THE POLICE.  FRANK CHASES HECTOR OUT OF THE HOUSE.

 

Thoughts:

• I kind of want to see Penny acting out Pop's evening routine.
• It's fun to stay at the YMCA.
• Scripted teenage Shirley is less repressed than she'd be onscreen, here only balking at the idea of a foursome.
• Squiggy prefers pictures.  Lenny innocently thinks only TV could be better than pictures.  (And this is ca. 1953, about 30 years before R- and X-rated movies on cable.)
• "Boy, you really squandered an opportunity," preferably with the words modified, e.g. "squattered," might have worked as a Squiggism, but it's just not a Lenny line.
• Squiggy being philosophical about the squandered opportunity also feels off.
• I'm glad they toned down AM touching Hector, not just because she's a future nun, but because my guess is that Hector would've been thrilled just to get all that kissing and touching.
• Not to mention that Shirley touches Hector much more than I can imagine her stomaching.  (She might "huddle up" to Squiggy if necessary.)
• Hector is a lot more "leering" in the script, while onscreen he's just mildly creepy and mostly nervous, which makes him relatively likable.
• It works better narratively and otherwise for the girls to not know that Mr. DeFazio is about to return, and I like Laverne trying to distract "Poppy" onscreen.  The girls in the script don't seem terribly worried about him finding a scantily clad boy hiding in the closet, which doesn't fit what we know of  '50s Milwaukee, Pop's protectiveness, or even the logic of '70s sitcom farce.
• AM and the girls do a lot of physically moving Hector around the room, while onscreen it's more through language, which I think works better.
• I do regret losing the line about Hector being afraid of the dark.
• Frank "ignoring" AM doesn't work at all.  Maybe "not noticing her."  I like it better that he's mildly suspicious onscreen of the girls' odd behavior.
• The joke about the "little whie dot" is cute but not necessary, except as an Oh, those Fifties kind of thing.
• Hector does exclaim, "Let the good times roll!" when he jumps out of the closet onscreen, with no set-up, but it still works.
• The girls calling for the police feels off, and it works better that Frank is scary authority enough.
• This scene obviously needed a rewrite before it became a little gem onscreen, but you can certainly see the potential here.