"Baby Show" script, Scene A

I recently bought a bunch of L & S scripts and this one was advertised as being for one of the "Plout" episodes, which are not among my favorites.  However, I figured it'd be fun to look for traces of Shirley.  Well, there are a lot more than traces.

So I'm jumping the queue and will get back to Season Five scripts later.  For now, let me introduce you to the parallel universe of the pre-production draft from July 7, 1982.

Scene A is set, like what seems like nearly every other Scene A (OK, "Monastery" is an exception), in the Girls' Living Room, this time in the morning.

LAVERNE IS JUST FINISHING HER BREAKFAST AND GRABS A HANDFUL OF SODA CRACKERS AND PUTS THEM ON A PLATE.  SHE CROSSES TO THE COUCH, PUTS THE PLATE ON THE CORNER TABLE, OPENS HER PURSE, TAKES OUT SOME LIPSTICK AND PUTS IT ON.  SHE LOOKS AROUND FOR A TISSUE TO BLOT WITH, NOT FINDING ONE, SHE USES ONE OF THE SODA CRACKERS AND THEN POPS IT IN HER MOUTH.  SHE THEN TRIES, UNSUCCESSFULLY, TO CALL UPSTAIRS TO SHIRLEY.

LAVERNE

(WITH MOUTHFUL) Shirl.  Breakfast.

SHIRLEY ENTERS FROM THE BEDROOM AND COMES DOWNSTAIRS.

SHIRLEY

Laverne, I'm sick.  I'm so sick.  Why am I so sick?  How could such a beautiful thing like your own child make you so disgustingly sick?

LAVERNE

That's what being a parent is all about.  Get used to it.

SHIRLEY

How can I?  No one's ever been sick like this.  Wait.  Just wait till the miracle of life stirs within you and makes you sick like a dog.

LAVERNE

Shirl, you're a comfort and an inspiration.  Eat your crackers.

SHIRLEY

I can't.  I'm too sick.  (BEAT)  Maybe I could try a little piece of dry toast.

LAVERNE

Fine.  I'll make you toast.

SHIRLEY

Thanks, Laverne.  Oh, don't forget to cut off the crust.

LAVERNE

One dry toast, no crust.  That's a cracker.  Why don't you just eat a lousy cracker?

SHIRLEY 

Do we have any of that duck sauce left over?  No, skip the duck sauce.  I'm too sick.

LAVERNE

Isn't your eighth month a little late to be having morning sickness?

LAVERNE GIVES HER THE TOAST.

SHIRLEY

Not in the Feeney family.  We have a very low whoopsie threshold.

LAVERNE

Please, Shirl.  I hate the whoopsie word.

SHIRLEY

Well, anyway, it's too hard to explain, but it's the same reason I can't take the teacup ride at Disneyland.

LAVERNE

Shirl, nobody can take the teacup ride at Disneyland.

SHIRLEY

Laverne, would you get me my shoes?

LAVERNE

(UNDER HER BREATH) Anything for the little mother.

LAVERNE DOES.

SHIRLEY

Look at these ankles.  Like two balloons.  (BEAT)  Aunt Laverne?

LAVERNE

Oh no you don't.  The only time you call me 'Aunt Laverne' is when you think I won't do it for you, but you know I wouldn't say no to the baby.

SHIRLEY

Aunt Laverne...

LAVERNE

What do you want?

SHIRLEY

I just want you to bring me the newspaper.  I'd get it myself, but...

LAVERNE

No, no, that's all right.  I'll do it.

LAVERNE GOES TO GET THE PAPER.

LAVERNE (CONT'D)

(TO HERSELF) "Get me, do me, bring me.  Get me, do me, bring me."

LAVERNE GIVES SHIRLEY THE PAPER.  SHE [presumably Shirley] OPENS IT, TURNS A PAGE AND SPOTS SOMETHING.

SHIRLEY

Laverne, would you come here?

LAVERNE

Forget it.  No more.  You've officially used up all your "get me, do me, bring me's" for the day.

SHIRLEY

No, look.  Dr. Good's Baby Food company is sponsoring a 'Mother To Be Contest' at Mayfield's Department store.  (READING) You could win a crib, playpen, highchair, pottie chair, a year's supply of baby food and a lifetime supply of diapers.

We're four pages in and then suddenly things sound more familiar.  It takes about seven and a half minutes (counting the theme song) for this contest to pop up in the actual episode.  First, Sgt. Alvinia Plout has to be re-introduced and impose on Laverne.  Then we get a scene the next morning, where Laverne has not only circled want ads in the paper but she's found out about the contest.  (No highchair though.)  Back to the script.

SHIRLEY RIPS THE ENTRY BLANK OUT OF THE PAPER.

LAVERNE

You'd be better off with a year's supply of diapers and a lifetime supply of food.  What do you want me to do -- mail that for you?

SHIRLEY

What, and let a bunch of fat bellied mothers beat me out?  No way, sister.  It says 'number of contestants limited.'  I'm dropping this off right now.

LAVERNE

You'll be late for work.  And you know how Bullets hates when anybody's late.

SHIRLEY

Laverne?  Dear, sweet, Aunt Laverne?  Will you do me one last favor?

LAVERNE

Cover for you at work, right?

SHIRLEY

No.  Help me get out of this couch.

And the scene ends with Laverne "struggling to help Shirley out of the couch."

Plout kept part of Shirley's "fat bellied line," but otherwise most of this had to be tossed.  And it is a fascinating look at what we never got in canon: the dynamic between the two long-time best friends when one is very pregnant, very needy, and very "sick."  Laverne waits on Shirley but grumbles about it.  She is "Aunt Laverne" and can refuse "the baby" nothing.  We can guess that it's been like this for the past five or six months.  Like Sgt. Plout, Shirley is in her eighth month, at least in the first scene.

The little details show that Judy Pioli was by then very much a veteran writer for the show, from Laverne's admittedly odd method of blotting her lipstick to Shirley's shout-out to "the Feeney family."  But there is some unfamiliar stuff towards the end.

Shirley is still working in her eighth month.  (Unlike Cindy Williams, as it would turn out.)  Their boss is named "Bullets."  Are they in the Mob?  Even if it's just a playful nickname, would you want to upset someone named Bullets?  We'll find out more about their workplace (and "Chuck"!) in the next scene, but we're already off to an intriguing start.